Colonel Signas' Hardship Reploids
by JimVan
Summary: A parody of MMX and MMZ crossed with good ol' Colonel Ken! A nonstop laugh riot through the private lives of X, Zero and the Guardians!
1. Master Of Disaster

Disclaimer: I don't own Megaman X or Megaman Zero, or any of their characters. I don't own any Jack Daniels either. Likewise, I do not own Stu Lloyd's and Colonel Ken's Hardship Posting, so if you're reading this now, Colonel, you can't sue me. So there.

* * *

**Colonel Signas' HARDSHIP REPLOIDS**

Harpuia, Leviathan, and Fefnir all sat in the holo room, watching the written text of the disc play back before their faces.

"I still don't get how reading these old Maverick Hunter holo-texts will help us defeat Zero, Harpuia. They could be just some old corny fanfiction or something." Fefnir muttered.

The green guardian shrugged nonchalantly. "The old history of X and Zero might uncover a weakness for us to exploit, Fefnir. You never know. Right now we have time to finally check the old records…what's that?"

He pointed at the holo-text running up the screen.

'X AND ZERO: CLASSIFIED INFORMATION'

'AUTHORITY: SIGNAS, ALLIED MAVERICK HUNTER GRAND COMMANDER'

"This is it!" Harpuia said excitedly, sitting in a chair before the holo-screen. "Take a seat, you two. Let's see this!"

So the Guardians sat there and read as the old holo-texts, which had not been read for years, wavered before their eyes. Information about X and Zero that had long been classified…for reasons the three unsuspecting watchers were soon to understand…

* * *

**Casual approach**

In the days when Zero was captain of the special Hunter Stealth Unit 0, he loved to take his rookies away for the occasional island resort trip when he felt they were all too tightly tuned up. On one occasion, Zero chartered a private plane and, wanting to have fun on the flight, offered to pilot his rookies to a nearby island resort himself.

As reported by one returning vacationer shortly afterwards, these were Zero's exact words over the intercom to his rookies as they were ready for take-off: "This is your captain speaking. It is now 9 am. Our current destination is Hawaii. Scratch the temperature and scratch the altitude! We can guarantee the beer's ice-cold! In fact, once we're airborne, I'm putting this hunkajunk on autopilot and coming back to get drunk with the rest of you!"

And later, as they were approaching Hawaii, Zero went back into the cockpit and came in over the intercom again. "This is your captain speaking. We are now approaching the island and will be landing soon. Please ensure your seats are upright, your trays are stowed in front of you, all seatbelts are fastened, and for Pete's sake put your darn pants back on!"

**Beer goggles**

X used to snap at Zero a lot whenever Zero used to bring girls back to Maverick Hunter Headquarters at night. He'd lecture Zero sternly and creep out Zero's girlfriend and then turn her away. Zero cornered X in the mess hall one evening and demanded to know why X thought he had the right to interfere in his personal life when so many other male and female hunters, including some in X's own unit, did exactly the same thing.

X merely sighed and explained himself. "Look," he said. "I quite understand I don't have the right, Zero. And yes, I do know so many hunters do the same thing. But Zero, man, some of the things you bring back to HQ! You ought to thank me!"

Good point.

**Wet feet**

One of Zero's big 'house parties' in the dormitories of MHHQ was in full swing, the alcohol flowing freely and the music a good several twitches higher than the rules allowed, but Signas thought it best not to interfere, as X and Zero had gone through a lot recently and deserved a chance to unwind. In any case, the boys and girls formulated a few rules, one important one being that anyone who went to bed before sunrise would 'suffer most cruelly'. It was kind of ironic that the initiator of this rule, Zero himself, went upstairs for more bottles around 3 am and fell asleep on his bed, completely exhausted. Imagine his surprise when he woke up three hours later with X and some other drunk reploids carrying him over their heads with a chorus of 'Wake Up Little Suzie...' while the other party-goers followed, cheering. With that, he was carried outside and deposited, cursing and swearing, into the ice-cold pond outside the dorms.

**Out of the fire, and into Sigma's inferno**

X was out for one night in a bar in the city. Of course, him being a reploid hero and the savior of humanity several times over, he was hard to miss or to ignore. So he soon hooked up with one short-haired girl down at the bar and, stammering nervously and blushing like a tomato, he offered her dinner in the restaurant upstairs. X figured he could afford to let down his guard for one night, and try to improve his people skills. (Well, who'd have ever thought it? Master X… – Leviathan) But what he didn't know was that Zero had discreetly followed him and, snickering to himself, crept back towards HQ after seeing what X was up to.

A couple of hours later, X cheerfully bid his date good night and made his way back down the steps, smiling to himself at his newly sharpened people skills and successful evening off-duty.

But his face lost its smile and twisted into a rictus of terror as he spotted Hunter Navigator Alia, with whom he had an extraordinary relationship, sitting at the bar downstairs with a drink in hand, obviously waiting for him as she never went out otherwise. She appeared not to have noticed him, so X quickly sprinted back up the stairs to ponder his next move. Unfortunately, the large bottle of wine he had shared with his date had a large part in his decision-making, so he decided to leave the building…through the window.

X opened the window, looking through his booze-goggles, which make ugly girls seem beautiful and long distances seem jump-able. Ignoring the shouts from everyone inside, he stepped out onto the window ledge, positioned himself for a backflip, and jumped away into space, kicking in his EAS to get away. Yet again unfortunately, he missed a large black tree limb in his way and smacked into it at full throttle. X fell several metres to the ground, landing with a thud at the base of the tree just outside the bar.

Sensing someone would have heard the crash, X, unhurt, picked himself up, dusted himself off, quite unaware of the commotion from the window above, and entered the bar through the front entrance, trying to appear pleasantly surprised to see Alia there.

Keeping up his act through all the staring, X strolled over to the bar and sat down next to Alia innocently, giving her a smile and a cheerful hello.

But, as should be obvious by now, it was not his night. X forgot to look in the mirror at his sorry self (cuts, abrasions, and soil). Chaos ensued. X got a free drink in the face, and the girl who'd just dated him upstairs came rushing down and upon seeing the blue hunter embraced him, glad he was alive, having witnessed his Great Leap Backward.

X spent the next few days avoiding the comm. center, obviously, but was compensated with blissful revenge when Navigator Layer 'accidentally' let it slip that Zero had 'accidentally' dropped a tip to Alia a few nights before.

**Jack in!**

Zero had just finished 'the shouting match' with his feline reploid girlfriend at that time, a fresh recruit in the hunters, in his quarters. Zero was about to go on duty, and he said to her 'don't be here when I get back.' Upset and angry, the young cat grabbed one of Zero's bottles of Jack Daniels and a tube of sleeping pills and locked herself in his shower room.

Fearing the worst, (What? That she'd polish off his Jack Daniels? Reploids can't kill themselves that way! – Harpuia) Zero climbed out his window and smashed through the small window next along to get to her. She scratched him to bits, and now, many girlfriends later, Zero's synthflesh still bears the scars from that lovely day.

**Nova tee-off strike**

X, pressed much against his will into a casual game of golf during a meeting with civilian leaders, was preparing to tee off at the first green. Many people, mostly elderly human women who were regular members of the club, were shocked that these high-ranking officials were having their 'fun' at their club, and even more so that there was a reploid playing with them, an idea which most older conservative human citizens find absurd. They of course had no clue who this particular reploid was because he was not wearing armor at that point in time.

When X was about to hit his first shot, a representative of the club approached him and told him he was in breach of dress regulations. X, looking down at his modest ensemble of jeans and a T-shirt, shrugged apologetically and went to change. When he got back, the members found another reason he was in breach. Basically, the old bags didn't want X playing no matter what.

Just then, an elderly human man, about seventy years old, in the group of officials who pressed X into the golf game, took X aside and into the changing room, giving him his golf clothes for the game. A perfect fit.

X could see the human golfers' expressions of outrage as he went back to the green, and also saw the old trouble-maker cackling mischievously at the old women and making rude hand gestures at them. The fatal blow that silenced them came when X made his first shot, his reploid strength and targeting system smacking the ball straight down the fairway and into the hole.

**Loo-ser!**

While on guard with several other hunters at the Global Superbowl, which Signas believed presented a tempting target for mavericks, half-time had been reached when X suddenly suffered from a digestive unit malfunction while tasting some nachos a human child offered him. Gasping and struggling to hold it down, X immediately ran for the nearest Port-a-loo to perform an emergency digestive unit evacuation, or to 'throw up' in human terms. Of course, that was the cue for Zero and several other hunters to bar the door and lift the whole darned thing up, with X still heaving inside, and deposit it in the very centre of the field. X struggled to get out after he was done heaving, and his rattling eventually tipped over the Port-a-loo, and he emerged, gasping and covered in blue fluid, to the biggest cheer of the game!

**Crooked but straight**

Zero once got pulled over on his antique motorbike for speeding when on vacation in Thailand. Zero did not have his Hunter ID with him, and he was not in the mood for a long argument. Knowing the system from his previous visits to the country, Zero dug into his pockets for a 100 zenny card. He only had a 500 zenny card, but he figured it was still better than having to answer to local authorities and the Hunter Command and paying a huge fine. He slipped the officer the disk through his palm when he asked for Zero's ID. The officer told Zero to wait for him, went off, and soon returned with his clipboard. He motioned for Zero to lift the paper on the clipboard and Zero did so, revealing four shiny 100 zenny cards. He had gone to get change!

**Smooth talking devil**

One quiet day in MHHQ, X was strolling down the corridor when he suddenly heard a loud crash from the quarters of Navigator Layer further down the corridor. Breaking into a dash, X arrived just in time to see Zero backing out of the room holding up a wooden chair as a shield. Layer was in hysterics, thrusting her ignited beam rapier at him. X just stood there, dumbfounded, as Zero tried to defend himself and calm her down. "C'mon, Layer. Put the sword down, put the sword down…and we'll go shopping!"

Winning psychological strategy as it turned out.

**Not a smiley situation**

One night, X and Zero, off-duty and exhausted, but determined to have some fun before turning in, went downtown to a nightclub that Zero insisted was worth the visit. X didn't care much for the place once they were they, but he was too tired to argue with Zero and opted to ignore the many dodgy-looking clientele and staff he could see. After several drinks, Zero turned to ask X if he was enjoying himself, and stifled the urge to laugh out loud. X had fallen asleep, standing up at the bar!

Well, when X proved to be unwakeable, Zero, being a mature and responsible person, decided to unzip X's fly and paid a couple of girls to draw a couple of smiley faces on X's happy zone with a marker pen he borrowed.

Before long, the 'hilarious' situation with X spread to all corners of the nightclub and soon all the girls were decorating X's more private areas with smileys. At the end of the night, Zero, chuckling to himself, zipped X up and dragged him back to MHHQ, gleeful about the fact that he was scheduled for a check scan with Hunter Meditech Lifesavor the next day. He deposited the sleeping X at the door to the Medilab and went back to his quarters grinning like an idiot.

The next morning, X woke up in the Medilab to see Navigators Layer and Palette in a corner, snickering to themselves, and Navigator Alia glaring daggers down at him. The latter scared X more, of course. Alia demanded an explanation for this 'body art', having been informed of the big picture by a very startled and amused Lifesavor. X was in deep trouble, no doubt about it. He had no idea what happened to him, or how he'd gotten back to HQ or at what time. (Oh, that'd be the famous Beer Scooter. – Fefnir)

Luckily for X, Zero dropped by shortly afterwards and explained everything to Alia. "So that's how it was, Alia. Can X come out and play?" This melted the ice slightly, Layer and Palette cracked up laughing, and X chased Zero through HQ for the next hour, smashing him over the head with whatever he could. That night, they went out again, but this time X stayed awake, wide awake!

**A hole in his answer**

One quiet, peaceful night, Zero came staggering in through the front door of his quarters. "Just where have you been?" she snapped at him from his bed.

"Juussht out playyying golf with the guyyssh, honey…"

"What! At 3am!"

"Yeesssh, we usshhed night clubs." Zero slurred before slumping down onto the bed and passing out.

**Best seat in the house**

X was out for a romantic dinner with Alia at a downtown establishment called the 'King Crab Restaurant'. Inside, he spied a sign pointing down a side corridor that read 'King Crab Toilet'. Ouch!

* * *

**Author: **To be continued…and with a few more laughs to come. Please leave a review. I think I'm just going to take a nice quiet snooze (**Chinh:** Check facts!) in my nice comfy hammock outside with my coconut juice and deep fried snake head supper.

**Chinh:** Love you all readers!


	2. Miss Adventures

**Disclaimer:** I don't own MMX, or MMZ, or Hardship Posting. sigh Perhaps if I claimed I did, you'd like me better, eh? The old financial magnetism never fails…

**Author:** Welcome to another terrible chapter of Hardship Reploids! Well, suffice is to say I was a little disappointed the last chapter had so few reviews, but, heck, if I wanted my fics to be the most popular on earth, I might as well paint a huge bullseye on the center of my forehead (though admittedly I would pull in a greater haul of girlfriends). I went shopping with Chinh the other day, and, a word of advice, lads, when your lovely young girlfriend turns to you after trying on a dress and asks "does my bum look fat in this?", cover your backside with your backpack and run like heck! This is a trick question.

**Chinh:** Nailed him on the head with a coathanger at fifty paces! Tee-hee!

On with the fic!

* * *

**Colonel Signas' Hardship Reploids Part 2**

Harpuia, Fefnir, and Leviathan all sat there in stunned silence.

"Master X did…" Leviathan was pointing shakily at the screen with her jaw hanging open.

"And Zero…" Fefnir was in a similar state.

Harpuia glared at them. "As entertaining as it is to watch you two sit there with those stupid looks on your faces, we should pay more attention, you know."

Leviathan shook her head. "Sage, we're not going to get anything useful out of this…"

Fefnir, however, composed himself, leaned back in his seat, and grinned. "Well…at least we'll have a heck of a laugh! Bring it on!"

Harpuia sighed and reclined as the next chapter of holo-texts ran up on the screen.

* * *

**Dumbstruck**

X and Zero had a human girlfriend apiece sitting next to them in a restaurant on vacation in Malaysia. Their new girlfriends spoke only a little English and even less Japanese, but they were good company nontheless. It was no secret that Zero was up to some serious bedroom business with his girlfriend and, after a few drinks too many, he was loudly and repeatedly recounting this to X and his girlfriend, much to X's and the girls' embarrassment. After a few minutes, Zero's girlfriend, visibly annoyed, pushed back her chair, stood up, and said to Zero: "Why, Zerrrooo? Why now, you talk, you talk…but tonight, when you look me naked, you no can talk no more?"

**Ferry drunk**

X and Zero took their units on a ferry cruise in the world famous Ha Long Bay in Vietnam. That day, the units must have been a little on the thirsty side. The captain of the ship told X after the cruise that, on this plan, they usually sold about 300 zenny worth of beer. On that trip they did (hic!) 30,000 zenny!

**Eat, drink, and be merry**

When MMHQ began to publicly set up overseas bases instead of mere outposts, there was of course the matter of local supporting staff and reserve troops to deal with. Predictably enough, the branch in Indonesia was a bit of a bizarre case when Signas, X and Zero arrived to help set it up. Apparently, when foreign organizations, military or otherwise, wished to set up shop in that country, large amounts of money are usually involved to secure government approval and so forth. In this case, though, the boot was on the other foot. Many Indonesian societies were always offering 'inducement' to look favorably on their applications and trainees.

Being professionals about who they hired, but not wanting to destroy a system that had worked well for years, the impromptu MMHQ Indonesia command held a meeting to determine to what extent they could or could not get ethically involved in the system. X and Zero's policy that evolved was that an 'acceptable inducement' was limited to 'anything we can eat, drink, or kiss!'

**The pressure's all mine**

It was the cause of no small amount of tears when a cute little thing of a Vietnamese official resigned her job at the MHHQ civilian relations desk. X and Zero had come to rely on this girl to deal with their publicity stunts and press reports, and so they dropped in to offer their thanks and best wishes before she left. She was almost in tears herself, and she gave X and Zero a letter of resignation for Signas himself, which the lads were only too happy to deliver.

"It's been an absolute _pressure_ working with you" was her unfortunate sign-off line!

**Human error**

X was justifiably nervous the first time he got together with a human girl. Aside from the moral issues, the HQ rumor mill was bound to turn a heck of a lot faster. Especially in the press' direction. One time, when she was eating one of X's home-cooked meals in his quarters at X's invitation, he excused himself and walked over to his front door to go get his evening report.

You guessed it! When he opened the door, an untidy tumble of a journalist, cameraman, thermographic equipment and high-sensitivity wall-piercing microphone all fell into his room!

The relationship didn't last.

**Come here often?**

X walked into a hotel bar in Hanoi, Vietnam, and asked for a bottle of his favorite Mark '97 wine. He drank the whole bottle of red vintage, and then left the next morning. The next time he was in Hanoi, six months later, he walked into the same bar and the bartender asked him if he wanted 'the usual' and he was given another bottle of Mark '97. When X returned to the same bar again over a year later, the bartender said they had just one bottle of Mark '97 left after his last visit and had reserved it with a note for him.

Made up for all the lousy service experiences he'd ever had in Asia.

**The things they do for love**

Zero was trying hard to get out of Indonesia and continue his vacation in Malaysia with a false human identity and passport, but at that time the paperwork and customs tango for getting out of the country was complicated and expensive, with numerous forms, visa checks, taxes, etc. Zero was late and anxious to catch his plane (his teleporter was inactive on vacation) and he was almost yelling at the immigration official to stamp him through. The official was suspicious.

"But I must go to Malaysia immediately!" Zero said desperately. "To, er, convert to Islam so I can marry my beautiful Muslim Indonesian girlfriend." With that he received a nod of approval and stamp, stamp, and he was waved through. All lies, of course!

**Ripping yarns**

X was pushed into yet another game of golf after his meeting with civilian leaders. He went to another golf club and was again told he was in breach of dress regulations. He looked down at his dashing white shirt and asked "What's wrong with it?" The official said "You must have a proper golfing T-shirt, with only three buttons." "What? That's ridiculous!"

The prime minister could see this was going nowhere, so he strolled over to X and – _RRRRIIIIP – _tore the shirt open, leaving only three buttons in place. Amazingly, that satisfied the official and they could begin.

**Gone bananas**

It was a late party at a bar downtown. Zero was fully blasted with five girls sitting on and around him. X sat across from him watching him worriedly and ignoring the sweet young thing stroking his head. While the other hunters all sat and laughed and chatted, it was a while before someone noticed Zero was missing. X volunteered to go and look for him, partly because the increasing action around him was weighing on his nerves.

X went upstairs to find Zero and, opening one door, he found him alright…with one naked girl sitting on his face, one on each pec, and one ramming the largest banana X had ever seen up Zero's you-know-what!

Zero didn't remember any of that the next morning. Wonder why? And X couldn't ever look at a bunch of bananas again.

**Road hazards**

X was in a car in China on a visit to the local hunter command. He was wondering about how beautiful the Chinese countryside was in the area of the base, especially the girls. He was so busy staring at all the young lovelies, in fact, that he failed to notice the big old tree directly in front of him. Slam into it goes the blue hunter, knothead meets knothole. The locals laughed themselves silly and X was educated of one of the occupational hazards in China. Too many beauties to distract a male hunter. X was glad he wasn't driving.

**Sleeping Beauty**

X and Alia were making their way back to MHHQ after a quiet romantic dinner out on the town when Douglas called on X's communicator warning them that there was a fire at the MHHQ living quarters, and that they should stay out until safety could be confirmed (completely untrue of course). X and Alia were uncomfortable about the idea at first, but they eventually went and found a hotel to get some sleep. Yep, and they only had one room left alright. X, blushing, agreed to take the double-bed room to Alia's embarrassed look.

They were led up to, yes again, the honeymoon suite with a huge double water bed with a pink heart-shaped headboard, a lavish pink couch on a white fur rug, fireplace, and mirrors on the bed top. It was so bad they just had to laugh in embarrassment. Alia took the bed despite her pleas, while X slept on the couch.

The next morning, X jumped up in alarm when he awoke enough to see Alia lying on a crumpled mass of blankets on the floor. The water bed had sprung a leak and there she was looking wet and disheveled in the middle of the canvas. Fast asleep!

* * *

**Author:** That's it until next time. Please R&R. A question to the reviewers. Do you want me to continue this way or scrap the introductions and throw in Four Guardians stories too? Well, until next time, I'll leave you with this little tip: there's no problem too large or too small you can't run away from!

**Chinh:** Love you all, readers!


	3. Guardian Angels

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Megaman X or Megaman Zero or Colonel Ken's Hardship Posting, or any of their characters. Glug-glug…ahhh, stress buster!

* * *

**Author**: &$! Oh my head…what the heck happened? I don't remember any buffalo jumping on my head last night! Ohhh…Chinh?

**Chinh**: Hee-hee. So my new aluminum bat works perfectly, although I do admit the drinks helped. Now the fic this time will include the lives of the noble Four…er, three Guardians. Nope, no Phantom unfortunately. Unless you want him. It seems that my 'badly hung-over' boss here and I have more than our due of work to do.

**Author**: Urrrh…on with the fic…

* * *

**Colonel Signas' Hardship Reploids Part 3**

**Guardian Angels**

Fefnir was rolling in his seat, Leviathan looked utterly disgusted, and Harpuia was merely trying to read between the lines.

"Heh heh, I really wish I could have seen his face!" Fefnir snorted with laughter.

"You aren't exactly perfect yourself, Fefnir…" Leviathan muttered. "I still remember that so-called 'stag party'…"

Fefnir stopped laughing, disgruntled. "Well, at least I got closer to a girl that night than you ever did to Zero, Levi."

"Why you little…"

* * *

**Let sleeping logs die**

Fefnir was off-duty and out in civvies in a bar in Neo Arcadia, enjoying the fluorescent lights, transparent bar counters, charming barmaid company, and luminescent drinks, when suddenly, there was a loud crash and the sound of a thousand screams. Most of the bar patrons rushed out. Fefnir suddenly realized that it was a raid by Neo Arcadian law enforcement. He knew he was in no trouble, but the police were feuding with the military and they would have a field day if he was found in a bar.

Thinking as quickly as he could, he decided to slump face-down onto the bar, playing drunk, and sleep and snore.

Amazingly, the police fell for the old story, and after they cleaned house and left, Fefnir was given several free drinks, compliments of the management.

**Behind bars**

Leviathan was drunk as a skunk one evening in a downtown bar (yes, the underwater guardian would drink quite a lot!), and predictably enough, when she got up to order another gin and tonic, she teetered and collapsed onto one of the waitresses with her two hands on the other girl's breasts. While the lads roared with laughter, the girl panicked and quickly called the police.

The blue robots arrived moments later and dragged the civvy-clad and unrecognizable (and unconscious) Leviathan down to the slammer. They threw her into a tiny cell.

Next morning, Harpuia arrived in a rage, and demanded Leviathan be set free. He went to the lock-up to get her out…but she drove him out with a furious screech.

"I will not leave until I am served my gin and tonic!" she roared.

Harpuia had to let her stay.

**Hair-raising experience**

Harpuia and the others were having some fun in a downtown karaoke lounge, and the hostesses were messing around having a little fun…when suddenly, one of the others in the room suddenly had his rug (hairpiece) pulled right off his head! There was utter silence for a few seconds, then the girls started chuckling, and everyone, even Harpuia, exploded laughing! They never had any idea he was wearing a rug.

"I like it." They all said together. That's true, thought Harpuia. The guy did look twenty years younger without it, and Harpuia later heard he never wore it again.

**Doing a mile**

Harpuia was off-duty, exhausted, and went out to the bar before hopping on his bike and roaring off to begin his home-leave with a nice long bed rest at home. Nothing unusual there, you think? Wrong! He was pulled over for speeding by the human authority's police.

"I've had a couple of drinks." Harpuia confessed nobly. How many, the humans wanted to know. "Two, maybe three." he answered.

The officers weren't convinced, and they took him back to the bar where he had been and demanded to see his bill!

Let's say Harpy-boy's estimate was a slight understatement!

**Bloody hell**

One evening, Sage Harpuia arrived at a base-organized party looking nervous. He immediately walked off to find the best meditech in the room. He found Gauze in one corner finishing off his drink and began chatting politely before cutting to the chase.

"Gauze, something's worrying me."

"What's the problem?" asked the good meditech.

Sage looked unsure of himself, and was red in the face, which was unusual for him.

"Er…you see, I sort of had a friendship with a human girl…but we, er, became a little bit more than friends last night…" And he began to share all the bloody and gory details of his encounter with the meditech, quite unaware of the two pairs of eyes of Fefnir and Leviathan watching and their two pairs of ears listening behind a pillar.

"…so that's why I'm worried, Gauze."

Gauze, barely managing to contain his laughter, said "I'm sorry, sir. I don't think that's in my data anywhere, but it sounds serious…" Then he promptly headed to the bar and ordered a Bloody Mary!

Needless to say, Harpuia didn't feel much better, and kept wondering why for the rest of the party, everyone kept asking him how he felt, and suggesting another Bloody Mary might make him feel better!

**Ill wind blowing**

While talking with Harpuia in HQ, Fefnir had a sudden urge to 'let one rip'. But no sooner had he released the most unpleasant of body odours than the door slid open and in marched the beautiful, sweet young press liaison! Laughing fit to burst behind his hands, Harpuia dived into the next room to leave Fefnir with her business in a hazy, asphyxiating atmosphere. Trying his best not to die of embarrassment, Fefnir was astounded that the woman spoke with absolutely no indication of anything being wrong whatsoever. The eternal poker face and level voice concluded her business with Fefnir, with gaseous clouds still swirling, and left shortly. Fefnir, unable to bear it any longer, hit the floor laughing with tears rolling down his cheeks.

The press liaison resigned shortly afterwards, but the Guardians doubted it was for that reason.

**Thrown straight behind bars**

Leviathan had a good friend in the human police force from her days of competitive water-sports before joining the Four Guardians. He was a high-ranking police chief and whenever Leviathan felt like going down into the human city to unwind, the chief would come, with a dozen-strong police minions, to the checkpoint. He would quickly see Leviathan cleared, by authority or muscle, and bundle her into a police car, driving at high speed through traffic with all sirens wailing, and get her downtown and into the bars in record time!

**Feeling no pane**

Back when the Resistance still made heavy bombing attacks on Neo Arcadia, Harpuia and the others were out having an overnight function in a civilian area hotel to celebrate a new contract between the civilian and military authority. Harpuia was nervous about leaving the command center overnight, but he knew there was no way to back out of this formality.

Unfortunately, in the early hours of that morning, the Resistance chose just that time to drop a bomb into a civilian area (purely by mistake, of course), with the explosion shattering the panes of glass for miles around. There was a huge midnight pandemonium and most of the reploids had to work until dawn to get the area under control.

Fefnir had apparently gotten so drunk the night before that he slept through the whole ordeal to wake up and find his window was gone.

**Behind the wheel**

Harpuia was being driven by a chauffeur to the human government building…or at least he was supposed to be. The car choked and died from a clogged filter on the way, with heavy traffic stuck behind. The driver was clearly at a loss what to do, so Harpuia got out, lifted the bonnet, and cleaned out and replaced the filter. He then told the driver to get into the passenger side and then drove his limo to the government building himself. The doorman got the shock of his life when he opened the passenger door and your standard black-suited, capped chauffeur stepped out!

After a long meeting well into the evening, Harpuia tottered out of the building, exhausted, to leave. He asked for the personnel to call for his limo, and the doorman asked "And will you be driving, sir?"

**Flamin' mad**

Harpuia's human girlfriend arrived unannounced (and slightly drunk) at the apartment she knew he resided in when off-duty. She approached the door and rang the bell. Sage looked out at her through the eyehole, and then stepped back, determined to ignore her as he was currently engaged in a little making out with another girl, a reploid. His girlfriend continued to scream, knowing he was inside the apartment because the lights were on, and demanding to be let in. Harpuia ignored her and hushed his little acquaintance's queries easily. Undeterred, she climbed out the hallway window and climbed over to the window to Harpuia's bedroom – with a sheer drop twenty storeys below – and continued to bang for admittance.

Harpuia continued to ignore her until her screaming turned to pleas for help. She had finally sobered up enough to realize where she was. Harpuia opened the window, grabbed her legs, and pulled her into his room. The inevitable catfight started, and Harpuia told them to sort it out and went to sleep.

The next morning they were both gone, but so were all of Harpuia's clothes! The clothes (including his exclamation point boxers) were later found on the rooftop in a pile of ashes.

**Sad case**

Leviathan was going to take command of an underwater command center for several weeks. So of course, Harpuia and Fefnir took her for a few (!) drinks the night before she left. As the base was undersea, Leviathan could not be transed directly in or out, so she had to pack a full suitcase to take with her to save time. She advised her air and land counterparts the next morning by com to not make the same mistake as her and pack the suitcase after 20 beers! She was upset at the lack of suitable clothes she had managed to pack, but she did however manage a large poster, a bottle of wine (leaking), and the remote control from her quarters!

**Blue boy**

Leviathan had found herself a young toy-boy who was absolutely smitten by her whenever she had the time to visit the city. She mostly just made him run errands for her and do some heavy lifting, but at times she did seem fond. In any case, she was utterly shocked when the Neo Arcadian authority finally tipped her off. She couldn't believe her boyfriend was actually a buff-girl as he was so handsome (she had never physically checked you see). Welcome to Neo Arcadia, sunshine.

* * *

**Author**: Gosh, that was a hard mile. Don't hesitate if you'd like to drop in a review or an idea for a gag.

**Chinh**: Love you all readers!


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